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My Delicious Relationships (Jerome A. Holst © 2005)

Al Holst, Owner of TV ACRESOver the years, I've found myself in a number of relationships with women. These females lasted for a while, but then I always found some reason to be movin' one. I've done this most of my life. I guess you might say, I have problem with commitment.

But, there is a special category of women whom I could never leave. Because, whenever I've needed their special "somethin', somethin'," they were always there to service me. Day or night, rain or shine, these lovely ladies have always found a way to satisfy my cravings.

Of course, I speak of Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, Sara Lee, to name a few.

First thing every morning, I can always count on Aunt Jemima to rise to the occasion and add a little sweetness to my life. She knows just how to fluff up my batter and get my hotcakes pilled nice and high.

And, if I feel a need for a change, I just open a door and there is Betty Crocker to get me through the day. And there's also that little cutie, Mrs. Butterworth as a backup. Sometimes, I think I love her.

For a beverage, most people like a nice cup of coffee to wash down those hotcakes, but I've never been coffee drinker, so I rely on my neighbors, the Fantanas Girls. These sexy babes always "wanta, wanta" show me what they've got. And I'm always ready to oblige them whenever they shake a 16 ounce jug of orange Fanta in my face.
Now, if I was a coffee drinker, I'm sure I would entertained a relationship with Mrs. Olson. She's "Mountain Grown", don't ya know.

When I want something really sweet, I reach out for the love of my life, Sara - that's Sara Lee. Her creamy deliciousness satisfies the child in me. A little time with her is like a trip to the candy store. Ah, the sweet, sweet caress of her full-body texture.

Now, as I said, I've got commitment issues, so for a little variety, I'll sometimes find abandon in the sweet, whipped companionship of Mrs. Sarah Tucker. Man, she's one fine mother...and speaking of Mother, have I told you about Mother Nature? She's a creamy little thing, but she has her limits. You don't want to fool with her, if you know what I mean. Before, I met Mother Nature, I spent a lot of time down at the Land O'Lakes with a nice little Indian maiden who always found the time to butter me up.

And then there's Mrs. Paul. She really knows how to handle my fish sticks. As does my other sea-friendly acquaintance, a mermaid pal of mine, who delivers a heart-healthy dose of protein whenever I'm in the mood. And she's not chicken when it comes to delivering the goods. Ask any mermaid you happen to see.

With all this mucking about the kitchen I'm sure to make a mess. That's when I can always rely on a "quicker picker up" pal of mine to clean up any unsightly mess that might have erupted. She may be an older gal, but she got a mighty firm grip and when she cleans up, it comes as no surprise that the job will be done lickety-split. No jerking around with Rosie.

With all of this culinary consummation, my sink gets mighty full with dirty dishes. That's when I call in Madge who has no problem "soakin in it". And if my pipes ever get clogged, her friend Josephine is there to whip out her tools and get the job done so that I can get ready for another go around with my fabulous, foody females.

So, there you have it. I may go wanting for traditional female companionship, but I'll never go wanting in the kitchen. When the dinner bell rings, my women know exactly what I like, and how to serve it up to me nice and hot. Well, except for Sara. She's got this fetish for freezing things. But hey, you haven't lived until you've bit down on a piece of her cheesecake.


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