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Computer-Generated Beings

Arnold Rimmer - Irritating holographic projection featured on the British sci-fi comedy RED DWARF/BBC/1988+.

Arnold Rimmer, Holograph - RED DWARF

Arnold Judas Rimmer (Chris Barrie) used to work on board a mining ship called Red Dwarf as 2nd technician but then a radiation leak killed Rimmer and all the crew. Well, all the crew except one, namely Dave Lister, Rimmer's bunk mate who happened to be shielded from the accident in a stasis booth.

It was Rimmer's faulty technical skills that caused the radiation leak in the first place. When Dave awoke three million years from earth, the onboard computer Holly created a holographic image of Arnold Rimmer to annoy Lister and to keep him on his toes in the boredom of space.

Always filled with ambition, Rimmer hoped to move up the ranks but his performance reviews were awful. When alive, his Captain placed these comments in his confidential report: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer; "He aches for responsibility but constantly fails the engineering exam."; and "Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells....Promotion prospects: comical."

After many misadventures, Arnold the Hologram ventured off to become Ace Rimmer, a replacement for a real hero who died. Ace (what Arnold could have become in a parallel universe) looked exactly like Rimmer (Minus the H on his forehead) but Ace was actually competent and trustworthy. See also - "Holly"


Rimmer was once described by Kryten the Robot as:

"Having held a position of little or no importance, he was a lowly grease monkey… a zero… a nothing… a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under achievement, his absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He was like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation……look at this man, this man who sat and failed his astro navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions, this sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man…..the Space Corps never allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew. A man so petty and small minded that he would while-away the evening sewing name-labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity, an over zealous trumped up little squirt…..an incompetent vending machine repair man with a Napoleon complex… who had as much respect from his crew-members as Long John Silver’s parrot. Who would permit this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tee-bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? who …. Only a yoghurt! This man is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer. That is his crime, it is also his punishment!"


Some assorted Rimmer-isms

Rimmer: Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?"

Rimmer: My father was a half crazed military failure, My mother a bitch queen from hell. My brothers had all the looks and talent, and what did I have. Unmanageable hair and in growing toenails.

Rimmer: Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with.

Rimmer: Look, just because it's an armor-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table and put together a solution package - perhaps over tea and biscuits.

Rimmer: Well, we know what to get you for Christmas. A double lobotomy and six rolls of rubber wallpaper.

Rimmer: Rimmer Directive 271 states clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."

Rimmer: I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war, ergo, we surrender.

Rimmer: Why does he (Kryten) only ever use them against me? Why never against Lister? Why do we never hear him quoting a Space Corps directive to clearly state "No crewmember should floss his teeth with the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk"? We never hear that one, do we?


The Rimmer Song

If you're in trouble
He will save the day
He's brave and he's fearless, come what may
Without him the mission would go astray
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer

Without him, life would be much grimmer
He's handsome, trim, and no one's slimmer
He will never need a Zimmer
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer

More reliable than a garden Strimmer
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer
Master of the wit and the repartee

His command of Space Directives is uncanny
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer

He's also a fantastic swimmer
And if you play your cards right
Then he might just come round for dinner


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