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TV Acres Newsletter

(Cocoa Beach, FL) Air Force Captain Anthony "Tony" Nelson, an astronaut in the United States Space program, was successfully rescued after his aborted mission with the space orbiter Stardust I forced him to parachute to safety onto a tropical island in the Atlantic Ocean. For all appearances, Nelson is in fine spirits. As a souvenir of his trip, he returned with a very old, ornate bottle that had apparently washed ashore on the beach where he waited for the rescue team. Upon arrival in Cocoa Beach, Nelson was greeted by his longtime friend an colleague Captain Roger "Rog" Healey. Soon after, however, Nelson began to tell strange stories about a sexy, blonde-haired genie named  Jeannie who claimed she wanted to make Nelson her Master. Dr. Alfred Major Bellows, base psychiatrist for the Air Force began to investigate Nelson's ranting and to monitor his mental progress to be sure that there were no adverse effects sustained from his journey into the stars. 

(Los Angeles, CA) The Monkees are coming to town. Well, almost.  Marcia Brady, a local teenager has promised to deliver in-person, British rock singer Davy Jones to perform at her high school's annual prom. Davy Jones, of course, is one fourth of the popular singing group known as the Monkees. Marcia Brady is a long time fan of Davy Jones and was elected the president of the school's Davy Jones Fan Club. How Marcia pulled off this major cue is anyone's guess, but the kids at school are going crazy over his impending visit. When this reporter asked Marcia's sister Jan how she felt about her sister's success, Jan went cross-eyed and shouted "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia." 

(Mayberry, NC) There's a cattle thief on the loose in Mayberry and someone, under cover of dark, is stealing cows from local farmers. Sheriff Andy Taylor and his deputy Barney Fife were quick to look into the matter but found it very perplexing. At each crime scene, three sets of footprints were found on the ground indicating that three persons were responsible for the theft. Upon closer scrutiny however, the sheriff noticed the one thing not found at any of the crime scenes were the hoof prints of the cows supposedly stolen. It turned out that there were not three people involved in each crime but rather one two-legged thief and one four-legged cow. Taylor discovered, that the thief placed a pair of boots on the cow and then walked away from the scene of the crime leaving sets of muddy foot prints and a head-scratching mystery behind. Knowing how the crime was committed, Taylor spread rumors around town of prize cow to be left overnight in the field of local farmer. What Andy didn't mentioned was that he substituted the cow for a rowdy bull. Needless, to say, the thief was unpleasantly surprised and soon after arrested. Congratulations to Sheriff Andy Taylor for cracking the case to this "utterly" fantastic crime. 

(Key West, FL) Assembly-line worker Seamus O'Neill has hit the big time. Or, at least, he thought he did. After winning the New Jersey Lottery and a sum of $1 million dollars, Seamus quickly high-tailed it down to Key West to live the good life. But the big money payoff was slow in coming. Seamus sadly discovers that after the back taxes he owned, plus penalties, his first check totaled the paltry sum of just $32.59. And worst yet, the lottery's $40,000 annual income would not begin for another five years. So, to keep his sanity, Shamus now works as a reporter for The Meteor, a newspaper that once employed the services of writer Ernest Hemingway.

(Brooklyn, NY) Local woman gets her own TV show. Mama Renate Malone, an Italian widow of an Irish policeman, stars on "Cooking With Mama Malone" a low-budget cooking show filmed in her own fourth floor walk-up Brooklyn apartment. Amidst the cacophony of pots and pans, Mama Malone offers up recipes on lasagna, spaghetti, and veal scaloppini to the delight of her viewers who tune into watch her on a local TV station in New York. Each time, the program is filmed, Mama is guaranteed to offer up her own home spun philosophy on life as well as some tasty dishes. Leftovers were not a problem on the show, for the show's production cast greedily absconded with her culinary perfections. Sometimes during filming, Mama's children enter her apartment and thus, discussions and arguments of all sorts would weave their way into the show's content. 

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