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Words of Wisdom

Bart Simpson's Blackboard Wisdom - Whimsical and naughty sayings featured on the cartoon sitcom THE SIMPSONS/FOX/1989+

Bart Simpson Writing on a Blackboard - THE SIMPSONS

When Bratty Bart Simpson got into trouble Springfield Elementary school, part of his punishment was to write over and over again on the blackboard phrases that usually summarized the themes of his pranks.

The following is a compilation of the sayings seen on the show.

  • I will not waste chalk

  • I will not skateboard in the halls.

  • I will not burp in class.

  • I will not instigate revolution.

  • I will not draw naked ladies in class.

  • I did not see Elvis.

  • I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"

  • Garlic gum is not funny.

  • I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.

  • I will not encourage others to fly.

  • Tar is not a play thing.

  • I will not Xerox my butt; It's potato, not potatoe (reference to
    Dan Quayle's spelling boo-boo while visiting a school).

  • I will not trade pants with others.

  • I will not do that thing with my tongue.

  • I will not drive the principal's car.

  • I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. 

  • I will not sell school property.

  • I will not cut corners (Bart writes the first line and then puts ditto marks under the sentence to indicate repetitions).

  • I will not make flatulent noises in class.

  • I will not belch the National Anthem.

  • I will not sell land in Florida.

  • I will not grease the monkey bars.

  • I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

  • I will not do anything bad ever again.

  • I will not show off (Written in an fancy Old English script).

  • I will not sleep through my education.

  • I am not a dentist.

  • Spitwads are not free speech.

  • Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

  • High explosives and school don't mix.

  • I will not bribe Principal Skinner.

  • I will not squeak chalk (Squeaks the chalk as he writes).

  • I will finish what I star.

  • "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.

  • Underwear should be worn on the inside.

  • The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

  • I will not torment the emotionally frail.

  • I will not carve gods; I will not spank others.

  • I will not aim for the head; I will not barf unless I'm sick.

  • I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

  • I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

  • I will not conduct my own fire drills.

  • Funny noises are not funny.

  • I will not snap bras.

  • I will not fake seizures.

  • This punishment is not boring and pointless.

  • My name is not Dr. Death.

  • I will not defame New Orleans.

  • I will not prescribe medication.

  • I will not bury the new kid.

  • I will not bring sheep to class

  • A burp is not an answer.

  • Teacher is not a leper.

  • Coffee is not for kids (Writing becomes less legible).

  • I will not eat things for money.

  • I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

  • The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

  • I will not call the principal "spud head"

  • Goldfish don't bounce.

  • Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

  • No one is interested in my underpants.

  • I will not sell miracle cures.

  • I will return the seeing-eye dog.

  • I do not have diplomatic immunity.

  • I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

  • I will never win an Emmy (And inside joke referring to the fact that "The Simpsons" show did not win an Emmy for "Best Animated Show" during the 1992-93 season).

  • The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

  • All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

  • I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.

  • I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

  • My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

  • I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

  • I am not deliciously saucy.

  • Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.

  • The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.

  • I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (Seen on the show's 100th episode).

  • There are plenty of businesses like show business.

  • I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball.

  • Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

  • Beans are neither fruit nor musical. 

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