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Words of Wisdom

Carnac-isms - Funny sayings from a bumbling telepath-in-a-turban called "Carnac The Magnificent" (first seen in 1964) seen on the late night talk show THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON/NBC/1962-92.

Carnac the Magnificent - THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON

Carnac (Johnny Carson) could divine answers to questions sealed in envelopes. If the audience booed one of Carnac's responses, he'd fight back by saying something like:

  • May a love-starved fruit-fly molest your sister's nectarines.
  • May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup.
  • May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's skirt.
  • May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.
  • May you get your first French kiss from a diseased camel.
  • May your prize bull hate cows.
  • May a crazy holy man set fire to your nose hair.
  • May your Perrie water be secretly bottled in Tijuana.
  • May your only daughter take up with a yak of another faith.
  • May a crazed lizard unravel your underwear.
  • May a desert nomad do a desert no-no to your sister.
  • May a diseased Holy man soil your shelf paper.
  • May your platform shoes fail you in a camel pasture.
  • May a weird holy man with a rash play with your face.
  • May a queasy camel freshen up your mother's evening bath.
  • May a sick yak leave a gift in your sock drawer.
  • May Orca the Whale relieve himself on your carpet.
  • May a nearsighted sand flea suck syrup off your short stack.
  • May the winds of the Sahara blow a scorpion up your sister's caftan.
  • May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your Hope Chest.
  • May a weird Holy man use a Black & Decker tool on your only sister.

A typical skit opened with announcer Ed McMahon stating:

"I have in my hand an envelope, a child of four can plainly see these envelopes are hermetically sealed. They've been kept since noon today in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls' porch. No one-but one!-knows the contents. In his mystical, and borderline way; Carnac will now ascertain the answers having never heard the questions." Carnac then placed the white envelopes to his forehead to sense the answers to the questions within."

 The following are some examples of answer/question exchanges:

  • Answer: The Moonies.
    Question:
    Name the religion that drops its pants?
     

  • Answer: The Zip Code.
    Question: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
     

  • Answer: A pair of Jordache jeans and a bread box. Question: Name two places where you stuff your buns?;

  • Answer: Ovaltine.

    Question
    : Describe Oprah Winfrey in High School;

  • Answer: Fondue.

    Question:
    What do you get on your Fon if you leave it out all night?;

  • Answer: Ben Gay.

When Ed McMahon, the announcer said, "I hold in my hand...the last envelope." The audience usually cheered, as if to say "Thank God this skit is almost over."


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