Family & Friends of the Heffernan's
The Heffernan’s relatives included Doug’s
parents who paid for his wedding and now live in Florida [Janet, his mom
and his father, Joe used to own a hardware store]; Doug’s favorite Aunt
Sheila and Uncle Hank [recently separated]; his sister, Stephanie who
moved to Buffalo then returned to Queens; his cousin, Danny (aka "Stumpy"),
the operator of Angelo's Pizza shop [later ISP coworker]; Danny’s father Uncle Stu; cousin Ron and his wife Marcia. who gave
Doug and Carrie a gravy boat for a wedding present (with a $1500 check
inside that the Heffernan’s never found); and Carrie’s sister, Sara who
moved in until she got her big break.
Family Portrait (Arthur, Doug, Carrie)
More Doug Facts: He is actually Canadian. He had to
repeat kindergarten. Doug loves his
mom’s lemon squares but only if they’re made with artificial lemon flavor
[none of that real lemon crap]. As a child, Doug had a guinea pig named Mork and sang the little chant “eat a pellet, make a pellet.” His favorite
toy was “Mentalo,” a turbaned-head with a pull string that dispensed
messages from beyond the spiritual world (“The sources from beyond the
grave say 'No!'...“The spirits say 'Proceed!'"). Doug’s sister broke Mentalo after he made fun of her period. Years later Doug searched E-bay
for another copy of his talisman of happier days. Doug's ex-girlfriend in
high school is Margy for whom Doug wrote a love song (that he finished
years later when Margy visited him. Of course, Carrie blew her top when
she caught Doug innocently serenading Margy. In high school Doug won a
football game with the famous block but because his friend Spence handed
out the wrong jersey, a guy named Tom Braverman (Jersey 57) was given
credit for the winning the game.
In October 2001, Doug broke the record of nine
hundred and fifty-one perfect delivery days, a record held for 18 years,
by former IPS
worker, Iggy Stenkowski. Doug won the right to replace the legendary Iggy
plague with one of his own that sat on the wall near the soda machine at
work.
During a strike in November 2002, Doug took
a job as a substitute teacher at his sister Stephanie's school believing
it was easy money but was soon terrorized by the student population.
Doug delivers a drink to sun-bathing Carrie
More Carrie facts: She is a
persistent traffic ticket violator. She used to have a crush on Doug’s
dentist Dr. Farber when she baby sat his kids as a teenager. Doug's love
for the food prepared by a friend named Becky made Carrie jealous and
accused Doug of having a “food affair“ with another woman. Doug, of course
had to give up seeing and eating Becky’s food to make Carrie happy. When
the DMV informed Carrie she needed corrective lenses in order to drive,
she got laser eye surgery courtesy of a birthday present from Doug (who
used a cut-rate, less than reputable doctor’s coupon that gave Carrie a
week of blurry vision).
