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Sacred Order of the Stonecutters -
Secret fraternal organization seen on the cartoon comedy THE
SIMPSONS /FOX/1989+.
Homer's Stonecutters
Initiation Ceremony
Each session of the Stonecutters begins with the solemn
proclamation "the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters has since
ancient times split the rocks of ignorance that obscures the
light of knowledge and truth" followed by "Now let's all get
drunk and play Ping-Pong."
Members wear red robes and call each other by numbered
names. Membership in the 1500 year-old group is attained by
either being the son of a stonecutter or by saving the life of a
stonecutter. The head of the society (voice of Patrick Stewart)
is called Number One.
Prophecy predicted the coming of a "Chosen One." He was to
recognized by a birthmark shaped like two hammers. Homer Simpson
bore such a birthmark on his butt and was elected the group's
supreme leader (No.908). His coronation took place on Mt.
Springfield.
Later when all of the members tired of Homer's rule, they
formed a new club called the "No Homers Club" to keep him out.
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Excerpt from "Homer the Great" (aired
01/08/1995) |
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Number One: |
This ritual is
called...Crossing the Desert. |
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[Hibbert, Skinner, Brockman, Krusty,
Moe, Quimby,
and Willy paddle Homer on the butt] |
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Number One: |
And this, we call the
Unblinking Eye. |
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[The same people paddle Homer in
reverse order] |
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Homer: |
Hey...have you ever noticed
that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking
Eye. And it's _exactly_ like the
Wreck of the Hesperus. |
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Number One: |
And now, the final ordeal: the
Paddling of the Swollen Ass...With Paddles. |
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Homer: |
[Homer takes the final oath] And
by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the
secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated
and my head be plucked of all but three hairs -- |
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Moe: |
Um, I think he should have to
take a different oath. |
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Number One: |
Everyone takes the same oath.
Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the
Sacred Order of the Stonecutters
who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of
ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth.
Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong! |
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Everyone: |
Yay! |
Number One
Lyrics to The Stonecutter's Party Song
“Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs the cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!”
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