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Sacred Order of the Stonecutters - Secret fraternal organization seen on the cartoon comedy THE SIMPSONS /FOX/1989+.

Homer's Stonecutter Initiation Ceremony - THE SIMPSONS
Homer's Stonecutters Initiation Ceremony

Each session of the Stonecutters begins with the solemn proclamation "the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters has since ancient times split the rocks of ignorance that obscures the light of knowledge and truth" followed by "Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong."

Members wear red robes and call each other by numbered names. Membership in the 1500 year-old group is attained by either being the son of a stonecutter or by saving the life of a stonecutter. The head of the society (voice of Patrick Stewart) is called Number One.

Prophecy predicted the coming of a "Chosen One." He was to recognized by a birthmark shaped like two hammers. Homer Simpson bore such a birthmark on his butt and was elected the group's supreme leader (No.908). His coronation took place on Mt. Springfield.

Later when all of the members tired of Homer's rule, they formed a new club called the "No Homers Club" to keep him out.


Excerpt from "Homer the Great" (aired 01/08/1995)

Number One:

This ritual is called...Crossing the Desert.

[Hibbert, Skinner, Brockman, Krusty, Moe, Quimby,
 and Willy paddle Homer on the butt]

Number One:

And this, we call the Unblinking Eye.

[The same people paddle Homer in reverse order]

Homer:

Hey...have you ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking Eye. And it's _exactly_ like the Wreck of the Hesperus.

Number One:

And now, the final ordeal: the Paddling of the Swollen Ass...With Paddles.

Homer:

[Homer takes the final oath] And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs --

Moe:

Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.

Number One:

Everyone takes the same oath. Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters
who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong!

Everyone:

Yay!


Stonecutters Number One - THE SIMPSONS
Number One

Lyrics to The Stonecutter's Party Song

“Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs the cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!”


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