"Now,
no prejudice intended, but I always check with
the Bible on these here things. I think that,
I mean if God had meant for us to be together
he'd a put us together. But look what he done.
He put you over in Africa, and put the rest of
us in all the white countries." -- Archie
Bunker, All in the Family
"Please, Ezekiel. My job's not to decide who
lives and dies. My business is with the soul.
And I have never damned a soul who didn't
thoroughly deserve it. Mother Nature is a
completely different story. She kills
indiscriminately, good and evil alike. Why she
gets all the good press, I'll never know." --
The Devil, Brimstone
"So, we're having a new baby. The gods are on
a roll, aren't they? Must've been playing
another round of "Can you top this?" One
started off, "We'll make him a shoe salesman."
Then another said, "We'll give him a
red-head." Then another one, probably a cruel,
hung over god, said, "But let's have him be a
mighty athlete in high school first so his
fall will be all the greater." -- Al Bundy:
Married with Children
"Lyndon! P.J.! Stop it! I'm warning you! If
you misbehave in church, Jesus won't love you
anymore! [to her sisters-in-law] Please don't
tell anyone I said that."
-- Vivian, Five
Mrs. Buchanans
"The Devil and I have a deal: I get them until
they're 12, he gets them until they're 20." --
God, God, the Devil and Bob
"Marie! Don't pray in front of the TV! That's
Satan's altar!" -- Elizabeth Lubbock, Just
the Ten of Us
"God doesn't move us by telling us the facts.
He moves us by pains and contradictions. He's
given me a lack of understanding: not answers,
but questions. An invitation to marvel." --
Alex Ventoux, Millennium
"Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the
27th of Geldof. Archeologists near Mount Sinai
have discovered what is believed to be a
missing page from the Bible. The page is
currently being carbon-dated in Bonne. If
genuine, it belongs at the beginning of the
Bible and is believed to read, "To my darling
Candy. All characters portrayed within this
book are fictitious and any resemblance to
persons living or dead is purely
coincidental." The page has been universally
condemned by church leaders. " -- Newsreader,
Red Dwarf
"This so-called "new religion" is nothing but
a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed
to take away the money of fools. Let us say
the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's
pass the collection plate!" -- Reverend
Lovejoy, The Simpsons
"I
am, in my own way. I've seen a lot of evil.
Here, all over the world. The horror of war,
injustice. If I have a religion, I guess my
religion is my belief in the inherent good of
all people ...and having faith in that belief.
Sometimes it takes all the strength that I
have." -- Ray, Stingray
"Excuse me, God. Why did you make all women
strange? And some stranger than others? And
some stranger than those? And finally, with
all the really strange bits that you had left
over, why did you use them to make the women
in my life? Eh? Tell me. I need an answer. A
postcard will do." -- Geoffrey Ballard,
Waiting for God
