Addams' Law - Gomez Addams (John Astin), the eccentric millionaire on the sitcom THE ADDAMS FAMILY/ABC/1964-66 espoused some rather strange formulas for business success. In a conversation with his wife, Morticia (Carolyn Jones) Gomez once said, "I'll set him up in his own business. I'll capitalize it at five hundred thousand dollars and amortize the principle over a ten-year period." Confused, Morticia asked "Darling, What does that mean?" "Who knows," replied Gomez "That's the way I run all my enterprises." Once, in a moment of inspiration, Gomez cried, "I've got it! We'll invent something that costs a dime to make-sell it for a dollar-and is habit forming." Another gem of a business strategy was the simple rule "When selling off, never accept the first nine offers. When they come up with number ten-grab it!" (otherwise known as "How to Slit Your Competitor's Throat Without Getting Blood on His Necktie"). 

Bob Hartley's Rule on Chewing - Chicago psychologist Bob Hartley (Bob Newhart) on the sitcom THE BOB NEWHART SHOW/CBS/1972-78 was taught as a child to chew his food thirty-two times before swallowing. As his mother reminded him "Thirty-two times keeps your tummy from danger; then you can stay up and watch the Lone Ranger." 

EEFMS  See - FANS: "Early Eyeball Fraternal Marching Society" 

Huxtable Men's Club Rules - One an episode of the sitcom THE COSBY SHOW/NBC/1984-92 pediatrician, Dr. Heathcliff "Cliff"  Huxtable (Bill Cosby) gathered with the male members of his family for a clandestine meeting so that he could eat a hoagie sandwich-a cholesterol no-no frowned upon by his wife, Clair (Phylicia Rashad). Rules of the club included 1) Whatever we eat remains a secret; 2) If you can find a good woman to be with, the meeting is adjourned; and 3) If you can get rid of the other members, you can have all the hoagies for yourself. 

Ironhead Haynes' Ten Commandments - On episode No. 178 "Legend of Ironhead Haynes" on the sitcom MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN/FOX/1987-97 shoe salesman Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill) is forced to stop insulting his customers when a fat woman complains to his boss. Disgusted with political correctness, Al and his NO MA'AM cronies (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) seek out the advice of the macho legend Ironhead Haynes. Ironhead passes on the following ten commandments: "Rule 1. It is OK to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes 'snack trays'; Rule 2. It is wrong to be French; Rule 3. It is OK to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder; Rule 4. Lawyers, see Rule 3; Rule 5. It is OK to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes; Rule 6. Everyone should car pool but me; Rule 7. Bring back the word 'stewardesses'; Rule 8. Synchronized swimming is not a sport; Rule 9. Mud wrestling is a sport; Rule 10. Err..., that's it." 

Mayberry Rules for a Happy Life - On episode No. 162 "The Bazaar" on the sitcom THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW/CBS/1960-68 newly appointed deputy Warren Ferguson (Jack Burns) upsets town sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith) when he arrests eleven church ladies for playing bingo at the annual town bazaar. When Warren refuses to drop the charges, Andy rules the women are free to go, but they feel their reputations have been impugned and refuse to leave unless they are given a jury trial. Now stuck with a jail filled with angry women including Andy's Aunt Bee Taylor (Frances Bavier), Andy tries to reason with Warren, but he stays true to his principles. Gambling is gambling, even if it is bingo. Just as Andy reaches his wits end about the situation, he came up with an idea. Thinking quickly, Andy hustles Warren into making a small bet worth a dollar. When Warren unwittingly accepts the bet, Andy arrest him for gambling. Seeing the error of his ways, Warren dropped the charges and all was well in Mayberry. The incident inspired Andy to tell Warren "The Mayberry Rules for a Happy Life"  They are" 1) Don't play leapfrog with elephants; 2) Don't pet a tiger unless his tail is wagging; and 3) Never, ever mess with the Ladies' Auxiliary. Note: Former Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts) had his own rules. Rule No. 1: Obey all rules. Rule No. 2: Do not write on the walls, as it is very hard to erase writing from walls.

Miranda Rights - When an authorized law enforcement officer apprehends a suspect of a crime they are required by law to read them their Miranda Rights. ("You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you can not afford an attorney, an attorney will be appointed to you. If you give up this right anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. Do you understand these rights?") The Miranda Rights were based on a 1966 precedent setting legal case (Miranda v. Arizona) that focused on a suspect named Miranda who had confessed to a crime without being told he had the right to an lawyer. In a reversal of his Arizona conviction, US Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren ruled that evidence (Miranda's confession) could not be introduced unless the defendant had been informed of his right to an attorney. TRIVIA NOTE: In the action adventure film Cobra (1986) Sylvester Stallone as police detective Marian Cobretti says "You have the right to remain silent" and then tosses a lite match onto the gasoline soaked body of a gunman who tried to kill him. And while struggling to cuff a suspect in the film Lethal Weapon 4, a black detective (Chris Rock) says "You have the right to remain silent...You have the right to an attorney. And if you get Johnny Cochrane, I'll kill you." On episode "Switched at Birth" of the sci-fi sitcom WEIRD SCIENCE bully older brother Chett (Lee Tergesen) advises teenager Gary Wallace (John Mallory Asher) of his rights saying "You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to a speedy butt-kick. My fists can and will be used against you. If you choose to scream, your scream will not be heard above the sound of my laughter." 

Murphy Brown's Babysitting Rules - Before newscaster Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen) on the sitcom MURPHY BROWN/CBS/1988-98 would leave town on journalism assignments, she left explicit rules of behavior for her baby son, Avery. The rules were "No parties, no girls, and no matter how much you cry, you can't borrow the Porsche."

Peyton Place Rules - The prime time drama PEYTON PLACE/ABC/1964-69  was so popular that it was aired three evenings a week during the 1965-66 season. Look Magazine (now defunct) offered some viewing rules when watching the soap opera: 

1)	You need to watch every episode;
2)	If you suspect anything, you're wrong;
3)	If a villain appears, he's probably not one.

For more about Peyton Place go to
CITIES & TOWNS - "Peyton Place"

Soup Nazi Rules, The - The tyrannical soup store operator (Larry Thomas) on the episode "The Soup Nazi" on the sitcom SEINFELD/NBC/1990-98 made some of the best soup in the city of New York and his customers lined up around the block to wait for his savory concoctions. When ordering soups the customer had to follow these strict procedures: 1) When you walk in move immediately to the right; 2) Order your soup with no enthusiasm at all; 3) Put your money on the counter and move to the left; and 4) Take your soup and do not give any comments. Tip! Never push your luck and ask for bread. If the Soup Nazi was not pleased with the way you presented yourself at his soup counter he would yell "No soup for you, Next!" And if you really irritated him he said "No soup for you! Come back. One year. Next!" See also  - COOKS & COOKBOOKS: "The Soup Nazi"   

Three Laws of Junior High School - On episode No. 22 "Who's Woods Are These?" on the 1960s-based drama THE WONDER YEARS/ABC/1988-93 we discovered the "Three Laws of  Junior High School." They are:

A.	For every action, there's a reaction.
B.	Avoid trick questions.
C.	Don't write anything you can't erase.

Addendum:  "Why Us?" is  the battle cry of the 14-year-old  (From Episode No. 47 - "Growing Up"); and What is "one of the most grueling rituals of childhood"? Picking teams. (From Episode No. 15 - "Loosiers")

"Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them  until you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one:  obey all rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls."

-- Barney Fife, The Andy Griffith Show

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